


Believe in Us -- 14x12 coda

by xxenjoy



Series: Codas [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, First Kiss, M/M, spoilers up to 14x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 17:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17626385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy





	Believe in Us -- 14x12 coda

"So, uh, back at the home," Dean starts, still pulling the door shut behind him. He keeps his voice low, eyes turned down, away from Cas.

"You were gonna do it, weren't you?" Cas matches his avoidance, shrugging his coat off of his shoulders but refusing to look up at Dean. "You were going to kiss me and then throw yourself into the ocean in an impenetrable box." The words come out harsher than he means them to, though their fierceness is pale in comparison to the ache in his heart.

"I said I wouldn't, didn't I?"

"Right. Right."

"Look, Cas, Sam said we'll find another way, so we will, I-"

"Of course," Cas scathes, " _Sam said_." He tips his head up now to find Dean watching him, eyeing him cautiously. "Because you believe in you and Sam- you believe in _all of us_ ," he mocks.

"Cas, I-"

"What about _this_ , Dean? What about _us_? Do you believe in this because it sure as hell doesn't feel like it." Dean shuts his eyes, visibly deflating and all Cas can think is _good_ , because it's satisfying for once to actually feel like he's being heard. "You didn't even have the nerve to tell me yourself."

"I couldn't tell you!" Dean snaps. They're both shouting now and if they're not careful, they'll wake Sam up and that's not a conversation Cas wants to have right now.

"Why? Because I'd get in the way? Because I'd try to stop you from doing something completely stupid? Well, you told Sam and he-"

"I couldn't tell you because I knew I saw your stupid face before I left that I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I couldn't tell you because I knew something stupid like try and come with me and you can't because Jack needs you and Sam needs you because even with Michael gone, something else will take his place and I can't leave them alone like that."

"But you'll leave me?"

"Only because I have to." He pauses, exhaling shakily and Cas can see for the first time how hard he's trying to hold back tears. "Sammy's the only one who could convince me not to go, Cas, but you... you wouldn't even have to try." Dean nods slowly and lifts his head to look at Cas. "So yeah, I was gonna kiss you tonight because it was going to be the last time I ever saw you and I didn't want to leave thinking that I didn't care, that all these years were for nothing."

Cas is halfway across the room before he realizes he's moving and then he's bundling Dean up, pushing his fingers into his hair and pulling him close. Dean shakes against his shoulder and Cas squeezes his eyes shut as guilt overwhelms him; he shouldn't expect anything from Dean, especially not now when he's already going through so much. He's always known that Sam will come first, there's no contest - and Cas should just be happy that he has Dean at all after everything that's happened in the last ten years.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and faintly, he hears Dean's muffled words: _I do believe in this_. Cas pulls back to face him and Dean's eyes are red and watery.

"It's too hard. Every day I'm afraid maybe this is the last day I'll see you, the last day I'll hear your voice. I don't want to think about it, but it's always in the back of my head. It was just... easier for me to go without seeing you. I'm sorry."

Cas tips forward, kissing the bridge of Dean's nose and bumping their foreheads together. When he reaches Dean's lips, he kisses him, soft and sweet, but as Dean winds his arms around him again, Cas is absent.

For years, this is everything he ever wanted but thought he could never have and now he can't even enjoy it. Now that it's happening, all he can think is that the same fear that keeps Dean from speaking his mind and being truly open with him is the one thing keeping Cas with him.


End file.
